I sometimes wonder if it would be useful to have a stick stand in my office, as I’m always asking people to take the stick they beat themselves with and park it in the corner, while we chat. I’m amazed how many of us when questioned admit to owning such a stick.
I’m even starting to wonder if I should set up a storage facility for “Self Beating Sticks” or SBS’s, as I prefer to call them, offering people some respite from those painful weapons.
These metaphorical sticks that some use from time to time and others have as constant companions, seem to be hard wired into our psyche. If only one could see how much better life would be without them, as the damage caused by these sticks can go unnoticed for a lifetime.
Possibly more detrimental than classic self-harm, the use of an SBS leaves no external signs to flag up concern from the outside world. The use of the stick for some is almost second nature, as if it is an integral part of their being rather than a learnt response which it actually is.
“I know I’ve brought this on myself”, I heard someone say. It was not the light bulb moment of realisation that I had hoped for, but rather a punishing swipe of the SBS crashing down upon his back. By the way he continued to talk I could see that he was totally unaware of what he had just done, an unconscious self-beating, that based on his lack of reaction, appeared to be common place in his life.
“Why not try something new and leave your stick with me when you go,” I mentioned. “Notice how different life can be when you have disarmed your ability to beat yourself up, but be careful and see how long it takes before a part of you sneaks back and grabs it out of storage”.
You may have experienced others beating you in life with their words, comments or even physically but SBS’s are used solely for self-flagellation.
It is so much harder to protect yourself when the antagonist is within.
The execution is instantaneous with no time for appeal or pardon. Even the kindest and gentlest of people can habour a SBS secretly waiting to be used whenever or wherever necessary.
In real terms a SBS is as useful and productive as a chocolate hot water bottle on a cold winters night, but even so, us humans still seem to use them on a regular basis.
It’s amazing to watch how quickly in conversation someone will whip out their SBS and beat themselves while still being able to end the sentence that triggered the reaction.
When someone is in full flight of self-flagellation it takes precision to safely intervene, like a bird stealing food from another’s mouth mid flight.
Asking people to just stop punishing themselves may have no impact. They might have had a lifetime of punishing self-judgement and need to be gently guided out of this way of being. The behaviour may be so woven into the fabric of their world they cannot comprehend what life would be like without it.
As a result we may need to make some preliminary adjustments in order to gain access and disarm the SBS.
Asking if they would like to stop beating themselves, even though they may think deep down that it’s not possible, is often the first step.
In some extreme cases I’ve had to negotiate, allowing them to continue their old pattern for a period of time. Bringing the issue into focus but not trying to stop it can be a gentle way to assist change. A person may need to prepare for such a drastic change since the stick may have been a lifelong companion.
We don’t want them to punish themselves for not being able to stop beating themselves up! That might sound like a ridiculous sentence, but it does happen.
Beating oneself is a reaction to something that’s happened in the past and not a response to what is happening in the present; as useful as shutting the gate after the horse has bolted.
Some say it’s a good way to self motivate, that a good quick kick up the backside never hurt anyone. Like many other things that we just accept as normal,
It’s only when we stop and take a look that we can see the damage caused.
If we treated our closest friends in the manner we treat ourselves I wonder how long they would stick around?
So how can we find a way to start to put an end to this internal culture of self-abuse?
Whatever the issue, step one is always awareness; only when you become aware of something can you do something about it. Keep a mental diary for a week of how many times you beat yourself over something or other, try not to punish yourself for what you find, this is work in progress and we’re sorting it out. Be gentle with yourself, as gentle as you are with your closest friends.
Awareness is the first step to cure.
It will take time to change this habit, yes maybe for the most part that’s all it is. A very bad habit we have never questioned, only when we stop and inquire can we seek to find out its use or in fact our need to keep it in place.
What would we gain, what would we lose by disarming that stick?
Many mix up responsibility with blame or fault. They are in fact totally different and stem from a very different place within us.
However slight the punishment, the collective effect over time can be highly dangerous and in some cases fatal.
Only the other day I read about the very sad and untimely death of the “Cranberries” singer Dolores O’Riordan.
While once interviewed, she said that she blamed herself for what had happened to her at the hands of the man who abused her as a child. Burying her self-judgment may have created untold emotional and possibly physical damage until the day she died.
For many of us our stories may not be as horrific, yet we still manage to inflict damage with that stick as we administer punishment for every wrong we may think have done.
When you take stock and look back, what has been gained by beating yourself with that stick. Would not more be gained from a loving benevolent approach to self?
If any of you would like to experiment with this new possibility we can arrange for you to drop off your SBS with me and maybe you can start to discover in its absence how different your life can be….
Long and short-term stays can be arranged to house your SBS and I don’t charge a fee.